I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
