We're facebook friends in real life
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
