i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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