I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
