im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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