I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
