Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
