So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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