I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
