Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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