I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Send help, water and tortillas.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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