Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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