an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
as a side note pls kill me
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
