Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I supernannyed him into submission
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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