You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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