how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
