I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
