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I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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