I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
