You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
