It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
