so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
