Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
