I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
