Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
