Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
