His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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