No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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