I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
