no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
