life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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