I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
