OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
