wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You ruined the universe
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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