It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
