I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
