Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
