Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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