Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
