Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
