My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
do nipples grow back?
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