Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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