You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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