Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
