The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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