it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
