Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
