I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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