we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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