the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
