Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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