Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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